Category Archives: FBI Rapes Phones

Summer Part 2: August Agony!!! Looking Back: July 9: James Comey, Rogue Agent

The Hill learned that recently-dismissed FBI Director James Comey sprinkled some classified details into “private memos” he transcribed after meeting with his former boss, President Donald Trump. How many of these so-called “personal recollections” contained classified information? More than half, per unnamed sources.

That Comey’s office pursued a criminal investigation into Trump’s chief rival for the presidency last year, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, for a similar practice–an angle many Democrats (and Hillary herself) continue to credit for the failure of her elitist campaign amidst a sordid history of political thuggery and personal enrichment–was not lost on The Hill.



As we have extensively covered, the eleventh-hour “reopening” of the Hillary email investigation in the campaign’s final weeks was widely cited by Hillary and her allies (along with Russian hacking, sexism, racism and “fake news”) as tipping the November 2016 election to President Trump.


Comey testified [in June] he considered the memos to be personal documents and that he shared at least one of them with a Columbia University lawyer friend. He asked that lawyer to leak information from one memo to the news media in hopes of increasing pressure to get a special prosecutor named in the Russia case after Comey was fired as FBI director. 

Summer Part 2: August Agony!!! Looking Back: May 9: FBI Director Comey Fired

[our emphasis]

The “Russia case” refers to the FBI probe into possible collusion between Trump and Russia, who reportedly attempted to hack the 2016 U.S. national elections. Comey’s leadership of the case coincided with highly-publicized testimony to Congress prior to his firing.


BREAKING: Comey at the Bat

The Russia investigation continues under former FBI head Robert Mueller.

Thanks to our source:

Anal iPhone Sex Enjoyed by LAPD

LAPD Used “Backdoor” Entry to Hack iPhone of Michael Jace’s Wife

iPhone of Michael Jace's wife is accessed

Well, that didn’t take long.

“The Shield” actor Michael Jace, accused of killing his wife April Jace two years ago, may have new evidence against him. Last March, Los Angeles police worked with a “forensic cellphone expert” to crack Mrs. Jace’s phone by overriding the locking feature, LA Times reports.

Unlike the FBI, who as we have extensively reported were concurrently demanding Apple write new software to introduce vulnerability to every iPhone worldwide so the FBI could unlock the iPhone of ISIS terrorist murderer Syed Farook (which they deliberately locked instead of connecting to a wireless network), the LAPD at least obtained a search warrant for Mrs. Jace’s communications.

This was in addition to data recovered by an Apple tech expert, who had previously assisted LAPD in the case. The technician was ordered by a Los Angeles judge to unlock the phone, and the hard drive was successfully extracted in early 2015.

Police allege Jace and his wife argued about their relationship via text message just before Mrs. Jace was shot.

LA Times lists various other pretty incriminating-looking evidence against Jace. The recent hacking appears to be after the origin of a 911 call placed around the time of the shooting, in which a man–Jace, prosecutors allege–tells dispatchers he shot his wife.

However, that call was apparently already known to be made with Mr. Jace’s cell phone, not his wife’s.

Jace filed for bankruptcy in 2011, listing among his liabilities over $22,000 in debt to the Federal Government.

LA Times reports neighbors were shocked at the murder, protesting, “They were the Huxtables on the block.”

Bill Cosby’s character on “The Cosby Show” may not be the best example of a family man given his own legal troubles.

Thanks to our source:

FBI Rapes More Phones (Continued)

UPDATES: FBI Paid Over $1,000,000 to Hack iPhone of San Bernardino They Deliberately Locked to Force Apple to Engineer Encryption-Busting Software; Agency Additionally “Cracks” New York iPhone by Acquiring 4-Digit Passcode

The Wall Street Journal reported Thursday that the FBI paid an anonymous hacker over $1,000,000 to hack into the phone it deliberately instructed San Bernardino police to lock up in a failed attempt to manipulate Apple into sabotaging its blockbuster smartphone product under the guise of recovering data possibly left behind by deceased San Bernardino massacre architect Sayed Farook and his wife, Tashfeen Malik.

FBI Rapes More Phones

While the exact amount is unknown, CNBC calculated from comments made by shameless FBI head thug James Comey (in a press conference in which he stated the amount was “worth it” to continue eroding Americans’ communication privacy) that the hacker’s ransom exceeded Comey’s remaining, well-padded salary as FBI director and is therefore at least $1,340,000. They’ll bill the taxpayers.

(For those of you good with math, that’s over $180,000 annually to assault your liberties. Go back to your SpaghettiOs, little person.)

This is the highest known mercenary phone-hacking payout to date, according to CNBC, as the communication security company (no irony here at all) Zerodium paid $1,000,000 even to…break into phones. So much more comforting when your own government can outbid any private sector snooper.

At the London conference in which he spiked the football on the iPhone cracking, Comey bemoaned the communication company WhatsApp for recently announcing end-to-end encryption for its users (from WSJ):

There are a significant number of criminals and terrorists that use WhatsApp, and that’s a problem,’’ Mr. Comey said. Automatically encrypting that volume of communications, he said, “comes at a significant cost,’’ so policy makers and corporations should ask themselves, “Is there a way to address the cost and try to optimize the benefits?”

Apparently no journalists in attendance asked Mr. Comey if he pulled the scientific figure “significant number” out of his sedentary, well-pensioned Federal Government ass or if he just wants more access to all Americans’ instant messaging.

Another wrinkle in Uncle Sam’s corrupt crusade in anal phone sex to better control the little people emerged this past week in a New York case that, like Comey’s ham-handed technique to twist Apple’s arm into betraying the confidence of its customers, hinged on the Department of Justice’s reliance on the All Writs Act of 1789. A little outdated, but clearly the founders foresaw the imperative of the Federal Government to demand you open the wax seal on your letters to family and friends at their whim because security.

Amy Davidson over at the New Yorker points out how this rather abstract demand for companies to create new products on demand if the Federal Government issues such a demand–NOT a subpoena–is a slippery slope (which the mainstream media is ignoring, like the President’s secret drone kill list, because their guy is in the White House right now.)

The Eastern District of New York (the same district from which  current Attorney General Loretta Lynch launched her national career by seizing $100,000,000 in assets from largely poor and minority citizens, in an unconstitutional revenue racket Obama re-authorized last month) has withdrawn a lawsuit demanding Apple…unlock another iPhone.

As Emily Pierce, Justice Department spokeswoman, told USA Today, “[T]hese cases have never been about setting a court precedent; they are about law enforcement’s ability and need to access evidence on devices pursuant to lawful court orders and search warrants…[i]n this case, an individual provided the department with the passcode to the locked phone at issue in the Eastern District of New York. Because we now have access to the data we sought, we notified the court of this recent development and have withdrawn our request for assistance.

Only the Federal Government can tell its employees, the taxpayers, “We got what we wanted, so we’ll leave you alone…until next time.”

The iPhone in question had apparently not been sabotaged, as was Farook’s, by the Federal Government Agency that now demanded assistance in reconstructing unknown data (in a move that would coincidentally further erode 4th Amendment protections). Instead, the Feds just needed a passcode to pry into a convicted drug dealer’s phone.

Jun Feng of Queens, NY, already pleaded guilty to methamphetamine conspiracy last year. But if anyone will go for the throat when you’re on the ground in handcuffs, it’s the government.

This is, after all, New York State, where white NYPD cops were filmed strangling a black man, Eric Garner, to death for denying the State their $5.85 per pack state and local cigarette tax. It’s for your own protection, you ingrate asthmatic.

Just as in the Farook case, an anonymous third party apparently gave the Feds the code for Feng’s iPhone 5s.

Or maybe the code was 1-2-3-4. The FBI isn’t talking. Unlike the iPhones they can now open with their goodies from the Farook manipulation.

In March, Magistrate Judge James Orenstein ruled the FBI’s demands of Apple to reveal the passcode were illegal.

Justice appealed the ruling. Brooklyn U.S. District Judge Margo Brodie is hearing the appeals case.

Thanks to our sources:

FBI Rapes More Phones

UPDATES: FBI Paid Over $1,000,000 to Hack iPhone of San Bernardino They Deliberately Locked to Force Apple to Engineer Encryption-Busting Software; Agency Additionally “Cracks” New York iPhone by Acquiring 4-Digit Passcode

As we reported last week, the Federal Government snidely and suddenly dropped their lawsuit against Apple, the world’s largest corporation, that had demanded the tech pioneer reverse-engineer its own product, enabling the Federal Government (as well as far more numerous and competent identity thieves) to exercise unparalleled access to private citizens’ communications (beyond what they and the NSA already enjoy).

Among other highlights, the legal battle featured an emotionally manipulative “open letter” to Apple from FBI head thug James Comey and, according to British news outlet The Guardian, presidential candidate Donald Trump’s call for the public to boycott Apple until they consented to the government’s demand to threaten iPhone customer security.

Last week’s extension of the horrific Federal Government saga to use the San Bernardino victims as leverage to seize more control over citizen communications brought you an anticlimactic conclusion by the Bureau: “nothing of real significance” was found on the iPhone left behind by ISIS martyr Sayed Farook (although he destroyed his government-issued devices, but what are the odds any clues to further terror were on those?).

James Comey was a real piece of shit about the whole thing. As he sneered to CBS News on whether he would share the vulnerability his crooked enforcement agency exploited with a private hacker when Apple chose customer loyalty over betraying the privacy of hundreds of millions of Americans:  “If we tell Apple, they’re going to fix it and we’re back where we started…[a]s silly as it may sound, we may end up there. We just haven’t decided yet.”

At least we know this is probably the full extent of secrecy by our own employees, the Federal Government. It only took one U.S. patriot traitor giving up his citizenship to expose the NSA collection of every phone call and duration you’ve made in the past 10 years or so.

Two recent updates to the utter patronizing of the American people by one of hundreds of bloated, controlling, invasive Federal Agencies they fund (many readers wrote checks April 18th because another Agency, the IRS, determined it hadn’t confiscated enough from your 2015 paychecks) are noteworthy this week.

Before we delve into these pressing updates, would like to recognize the victims of the monstrous, unacceptable attack last December: their sacrifice will not be in vain.

Pictured above, the 14 victims who lost their lives in the attack. Another 24 people were injured in the shooting

No matter how many times a Federal Government Agency waves the photos of these slaughtered Americans to galvanize public sentiment, stirring the emotions of these victims’ families (as well as the families and friends of the additional 22 wounded by Farook and his wife), shamelessly using them as pawns to conquer a board of ever-declining liberty and freedom to which we, as Americans, are entitled, those of us who value our exceptionalism and vast potential as citizens of the greatest country in the world will never let the honor of these 14 martyrs be so corrupted.

Though the bumbling Feds refuse to take ISIS ISIL seriously even after we have been attacked on our own soil, we will never forget freedom is not free.

The aforementioned IMPORTANT UPDATES on the continuing American resistance against FBI and NSA intrusion are detailed in the preceding post.

Uncle Sam’s Unsatisfying Anal

FBI’s Very Public Showdown Over Anal Sex with Apple’s iPhone Yields…Blood and Shit

It turns out there was nothing substantial on the San Bernardino iPhone all along

Above, Apple CEO Tim Cook, holding one of his many iPhone daughters, whom the Federal Government requested to rape from behind, then got to pork anyway when Cook said no thanks to a heretofore unnamed third party.

The Federal Government agency that brazenly demanded the world’s largest corporation create software to destroy the integrity of its product to honor 14 ISIS terrorist victims “[w]e owe a thorough and professional investigation under law,” according to top FBI propagandist James Comey, appears to have come up empty after shamelessly violating the concept of private citizens’ communications confidentiality.

Claiming “we cannot look survivors in the eye” if we don’t ram the multi-trillion-dollar authority penis of the Federal Government into potentially every encrypted product anus in search of potential data on one dead terrorist’s phone–data the agency itself deliberately locked by “mistakenly” changing the Apple ID of Syed Farook’s only un-destroyed device–Crony Comey had the audacity to write a heartstring-tugging puff piece for on taxpayer time to inform the little people that although Uncle Sam didn’t have to take the public’s most beloved, secure communications device from behind, that was what they would be doing. “The relief we seek is limited and its value increasingly obsolete because the technology continues to evolve,” Comey implored.

Well. Most of us have found free online porn sites and a little lotion mollify this urge quite nicely. Comey cannot be ignorant of this, as his partner Federal Government agency, the NSA, collects everyone’s internet history.

Comey continued to paint a rosy narrative of the $8,000,000,000-budget agency’s powerlessness against a smoking terrorist corpse, insisting the agency needed a peak inside Farook’s government-issued Blackberry–which, to reiterate, mysteriously locked up only once the Government got its slimy hands on it–to supplement the data from Farook and wife Tashfeen Malik’s personal devices, which uploaded to the “cloud” automatically like the now-compromised, encrypted devices of millions of Apple customers always had.

“We simply want the chance, with a search warrant, to try to guess the terrorist’s passcode without the phone essentially self-destructing and without it taking a decade to guess correctly,” Comey pleaded to an ornery public that seemed not to want Uncle Sam’s dick up in their devices, or at least the non-conforming 49% surveyed who had reservations.“Maybe the phone holds the clue to finding more terrorists. Maybe it doesn’t.”

What followed the backroom deal with an anonymous hacker as we reported last month. The eagerly-anticipated results? Yahoo! Finance has the story, hardly publicized by the pro-Obama, “degrade and ultimately destroy ISIS ISIL” media:

CBS News reports, citing a law enforcement source, says that “so far nothing of real significance has been found” on Farook’s iPhone. The investigation is ongoing, according to the source.

This matches up with remarks made by the San Bernardino police chief in February, when he said that there is a “reasonably good chance there is nothing of any value on the phone.” 

Uncle Sam rammed his bloated Federal tool into your privacy against the wishes of a plurality of the public. And it wasn’t even satisfying. TRIGGER WARNING He ripped out his weathered manhood, coated in shit, to the dismay of the private citizen and the satisfaction of the Federal Government overlords.

It was never about finding anything useful. It was an act of superiority, power, and further instilling in a passive public the notion they are powerless without their employees, the Federal agents who are spending them into oblivion.

Thanks to our source:

FBI Refuses to Inform Their Employers of Whether Farook iPhone Data is “Useful”

Federal Government Agency, Drunk on Power Despite Failing to Manipulate Company Into Destroying Its Product Integrity, Cannot Tell Taxpayers If Anything Good on There

“If there’s more information in the phone — more contacts, more communications, more of anything — that’s a success for the F.B.I.” –FBI lawyer James Baker

The New York Times reported Tuesday that the Federal Government’s foremost law enforcement agency will not be sharing with the taxpayers who fund its (largely redacted) operations news on whether the Feds’ public brawl with Apple–and subsequent forced compromising of iPhone messaging security to risk communications integrity for millions of Americans–yielded any new or useful information on the ISIS-inspired terrorist who shot up a holiday party last December in San Bernardino, CA.

James A. Baker, general counsel for the Bureau, told a Washington audience, “We’re still working on that, I guess is the answer,” when asked if the data extracted from Syed Farook’s iPhone was useful for preventing future homeland terrorism.

The abrupt withdrawal of a lawsuit against Apple by the Federal Government followed a prolonged public pressuring of the iPhone manufacturer to engineer product-sabotaging software to access “cloud” data from Farook’s phone, which the FBI specifically urged San Bernardino police to seal by tampering to require Apple’s compliance for future access.

Apple CEO Tim Cook’s refusal to degrade and destroy (the Obama administration’s favored term for prolonged, expensive conflict) his product was rendered irrelevant  following a heretofore unnamed third party’s “backdoor” workaround of the built-in encryption on Farook’s device.

Under the guise of national security, the Bureau’s obstinate charade to further monitor citizens’ private lives proceeded under the thin premise that Farook’s cloud data (not including his SMS texts and call logs, which were not only readily available but, indeed, are compiled on every American, every minute of every day by the NSA, another Federal Agency) could lend introspection to the deceased terrorist suspect’s motives that killed 14 civilians last year.

Unlike his wife, Tashfeen Malik, Farook did not post his allegiance to the international terrorist caliphate ISIS on Facebook in the hour preceding the attack. Presumably his logic in this decision is among the top-secret, super-conclusive data the Federal Agency so brashly sought to squeeze from Apple.

According to the New York Times:

It was worth the fight to make sure that we have turned over every rock that we can with respect to the investigation. We owe it to the victims and the families to make sure that we pursue every logical lead.”

Mr. Baker would not say for certain whether the content would be made public.

If and when it becomes appropriate to disclose it, we will,” he said.

The anger and pain of the friends and family of those 14 innocent people (as well as 22 additional civilians and 2 police officers injured) by the terrorist couple is perfectly understandable.

Whether their justice will be realized in signing over more privacy rights to a ravenous, relentless government bureaucracy, whose own electronic safeguards and security protocols are routinely exposed as mediocre at best, remains to be seen.

The Times did note that Farook and his wife destroyed several other of their mobile devices prior to the deadly attack, and “it was seen as unlikely that [Farook] would keep sensitive information related to the December attack on an intact phone issued to him by the San Bernardino County government.”

Enrique Marquez, Farook’s former acquaintance who provided the firearms, remains the only criminal suspect charged. Farook and Malik were both killed by police.

But in the age of big data, more suspects, more clues, and more hunches are the prevailing goal of law enforcement, regardless of how useful that information may prove, or what civil liberties of the innocent masses must be threatened to obtain it.

“If there’s more information in the phone — more contacts, more communications, more of anything — that’s a success for the F.B.I.,” Mr. Baker told the press conference.

Thanks very much to New York Times for this story, part of a continuing series on NATIONAL SECURITY.

Uncle Sam Dangles Carrot of Cooperation to State and Local Police Forces

UPDATED 4/8/16 at 6:00 PM: The taxpayer-subsidized “News Hour” posted a pro-Big Brother story Saturday 4/2/16, which we summarize to illustrate the salivating law enforcement and security squads itching to unlock phones across the country:

In a tragic account of an apparent homicide, PBS spotlighted the killing of Brittney Mills in Baton Rouge, LA in April 2015. Shot to death just minutes after texting her mother, Mills remains a cold case. Law enforcement argues her iPhone (which already successfully dumped all the metadata for government use) must be cracked, as the iOS 8 encryption protects additional information such as “iMessages” which may reveal the killer’s identity.

Phone call logs, SMS text messages and other data–routinely collected on every American by the NSA–are not at issue. These upload to the “cloud” automatically and are already accessible. Law enforcement and government bankrollers want every datum they can muster from their subjects. If this means trampling the Fourth Amendment “for your safety,” so be it.

As the PBS pro-citizen tracking piece admits:

“East Baton Rouge District Attorney Hillar Moore said there are as many as 80 phones that he is unable to unlock that he thinks could help investigators. And in jurisdictions around the country local prosecutors have the same problem.”

Law enforcement is already compiling lists of cases that could possibly be served by forcing Apple to engineer weakness into their customers’ communications–cases that might be solved by good old “real police work”–but if you have a privacy-destroying tool, 1). why not use is? And 2). what happens when the “cold cases” are solved? Will the tool be destroyed…or aimed at the remaining population, powerless to communicate without undergoing surveillance by their federal employees (and facing new litigation, creating crimes to suit the pool of data and collect revenue at any cost)?

The at-large gunman must have suspected the government would bow to conservative privacy interests and refuse–or at least resist–cracking the iPhone’s built-in encryption. Presumably, that was why he or she was comfortable leaving the victim’s $800 iPhone at the scene of the crime instead of holding onto it to sell or destroy.

Original Article Appears Below

Federal Government Gleefully Unlocks Alleged Terrorist’s iPhone, Emails Country’s Police Departments on New Tactic to Circumvent Fourth Amendment. Comply or Lose Your Surplus Armored Tanks and Bazookas

Buzzfeed first reported this week that the mysterious “third-party” technology the FBI employed to get all up in the ass of the iPhone used by Syed Farook prior to his allegedly ISIS-inspired massacre in San Bernardino,CA last December is probably on its way to further empower local law enforcement agencies.

This will allow the Federal Government’s ham-handed response of invading citizens’ privacy to spread, like tentacles of a bloated federal bureaucracy, to allow state and county jurisdictions to similarly usurp Apple’s encryption.

FBI Assistant Director Kerry Sleeper (justice never sleeps. Nor do NSA metadata recordings of your phone records) at the FBI Office of Partner Engagement released an “advisory letter” that indicated the FBI’s magnanimous intent to “consider any tool that might be helpful to our partners” in hacking into the phones of presumed innocent citizens because they can fighting crime, beginning with a gleeful football-spike that third parties were eager to help restore the data the FBI themselves deliberately sabotaged to force Apple to undercut privacy of hundreds of millions of customers.

“…[A]s a result of the worldwide publicity and attention generated by the litigation with Apple, others outside the U.S. government continued to contact the U.S. government offering avenues of possible research. In mid-March, an outside party demonstrated to the FBI a possible method for unlocking the iPhone. That method for unlocking that specific iPhone proved successful.

We know that the absence of lawful, critical investigative tools due to the “Going Dark” problem is a substantial state and local law enforcement challenge that you face daily. As has been our longstanding policy, the FBI will of course consider any tool that might be helpful to our partners.”
What favors the FBI will demand in return for letting the lesser jurisdictions in on this little nugget is unclear. But you can bet the mysterious method Uncle Sam employed to bully his way into “that specific iPhone” will immediately become S.O.P. at “jurisdictions” used to smack down vulnerable citizens across the country.

The letter of unity against over-litigated citizens ends with the following ominous pledge:

“Please know that we will continue to do everything we can to help you consistent with our legal and policy constraints. You have our commitment that we will maintain an open dialogue with you. We are in this together.”

The authorities are “in this together” with other authorities insofar as they can confiscate revenues, navigate “legal and policy constraints” and acquire battlefield weaponry to keep the little people in check.

Breaking Soon (after lunch break here at, hopefully): Denver Police Department Using NSA-Grade Software to Track Citizens’ GPS locations, Social Network Messages, Pictures, Contacts, and Other Private Information that is, Well, No Longer Private if You Live in Denver

Thanks to Buzzfeed for the source on this BREAKING SURVEILLANCE UPDATE:


Uncle Sam is in the Back Door

FBI Gains Backdoor Access to iPhone it Demanded Apple Unlock Last Month

In an interesting development, the “intelligence community” of the Federal Government has utilized an unnamed “third party” to gain backdoor access to the iPhone data of December ISIS-inspired San Bernardino terrorist Syed Farook (still deceased).  The Federal Government deliberately locked this crucial data by trying 10 passcodes instead of uploading the data to the “cloud” by taking the device to Farook’s office or home wi-fi environment (see our previous reporting), in an attempt to strong-arm Apple into writing software to introduce vulnerability of all its devices to future Government probing.

Uncle Sam confirmed the news with in a phone interview this morning.

“Yeah man, we didn’t need that terrorist sympathizer [Apple CEO Tim] Cook after all. I was gonna just get iPhone’s ugly cousin to do anal like I said before, only this secret patriot showed me a method to pile-drive any iPhone in the ass, any time I want.”

Sam lit another cigarette and spat. “It’s almost like I feigned helplessness to make iPhone cooperate, and then when she was a little bitch and refused to realize she wanted me, I dropped all pretense of wanting–needing–her, and only her, revealing that was just a ploy to get more access to the data of the little people. For tracking, monitoring, communications analysis…you know, all the essential functions the taxpayers expect me to invade their lives with. Who else will build the roads?

“So I dropped that lawsuit demanding Apple write software to expose iPhone for anal by the Federal Government, about an hour before the hearing was set to begin,” Sam gloated. “Nothing like making the taxpayers sweat a little. It makes me feel powerful. Like a real man.”

Sam would not confirm whether the “third party” anal strategy was provided by The Johns Hopkins University, who Washington Post reported last week had found a fatal flaw in the iPhone encryption that could be exploited by the Federal Government for future cases of citizen insubordination.

Johns Hopkins receives more taxpayer money than any other college or university in America. The Johns Hopkins Applied Physics labs develop killer drones, which President Obama uses to assassinate foreign nationals, including hundreds of innocent women and children, without trial.

Thanks to our sources:;;

Uncle Sam to Get Anal from iphone’s more Desperate Cousin

UPDATE: FBI Sour Grapes: “Fuck You, Apple, a Third Party Will Get Us Backdoor iPhone Access”

In a disturbing revelation this week, the Federal Government announced an unnamed third party would achieve access to the data cloud of December 2015 ISIS-affiliated terrorist Sayed Farook, who died in a shootout with San Bernardino police after he and his wife murdered 14 co-workers at a holiday party.

The data cloud so desperately sought by the FBI may contain the communications of the now-deceased terrorist. The FBI deliberately locked Farook’s iPhone in an attempt to strong-arm Apple into creating software that would let the Federal Government have anal sex with any iPhone, ever.

Fortunately, Apple CEO Tim Cook refused to create a deliberate vulnerability for hundreds of millions of customers’ communications to any whim of a bloated, yet inept federal surveillance bureaucracy.

According to the New York Times, “[t]he emergence of a potential third-party method to open the iPhone was a surprise, as the government said more than a dozen times in court filings that it could open the phone only with Apple’s help.”

“Apple, it’s been real, trying to bed your daughter with an anal technique,” Uncle Sam snarled through a haze of cigarette smoke at a press conference early Monday. “Fortunately, her cousin Macy is less attractive, and more easily manipulated. She sold out your precious iPhone, and I’ll be taking them both from behind on the regular.”

Sam adjusted his porno shades and shoved a hand into his pants. “She was so easy—Macy, I mean—to use to get to the iPhone, that if you didn’t know better you might think I publicly requested, then threatened, then shamed Apple and all their sweet chastity over their customers’ privacy to get you to bend over and set a precedent for Uncle Sam. When it came right down to it, maybe I had this so-called ‘third party’ all along in my back pocket with my brass knuckles, and getting Apple to force its engineers to fatally cripple the security of its only daughter, iPhone, was just the cherry on top of a big-government, little-taxpayers sundae.” Sam lit another Menthol and grinned. “Or maybe this is just a bluff itself. I’m cute like that with you and all the other taxpayers, my employers. I’ll be feelin’ y’all from the inside soon enough.”

As and have warned, there are numerous iPhones in the hands of both federal and local “law enforcement agencies” lined up to get fucked in the ass just as soon as Apple, or this mysterious third party, completely disregards the American consumers’ fourth amendment rights. No pressure. Actually, you might feel a little pressure the first time.

Thanks to the New York Times and for this story:

Stay Classy, Boston FBI

FBI: Oh BTW Apple We Need this iPhone Unlocked Too

The FBI is “requesting” Apple CEO Tim Cook add a Boston gang leader’s device to their to-do to-backdoor penetrate list.

High off the authority they demonstrated in demanding Apple allow anal phone sex on the terrorist iPhone they deliberately locked up, the Federal Government is further strong-arming Apple to crack the iPhone of Desmond Crawford, leader of the “Columbia Point Dawgs” (known in some circles as “COPD”).

Crawford is suspected of “racketeering, committing a violent crime in aid of racketeering, using a firearm during a crime of violence and being a felon in possession of a firearm,” according to

FBI thug Matthew Knight claims the iPhone “probably” contains details on Crawford’s endeavors to traffic guns and drugs.

Apparently, Mr. Crawford did not consult with fellow Bostonian Tom Brady on iPhone-smashing protocol.

The FBI is using the same “we can’t, but you can” line as they did with the iPhone procured from the corpse of the San Bernardino ISIS ISIL terrorist to cast Apple as a greedy technological overlord, the public’s only salvation from the scourge of Boston gang-bangers.

As with the San Bernardino case, the Feds assured Apple that they only needed total, pan-user privacy-usurping software written for government backdoor use “just this one time” to “really take the next step in our relationship.”


Thanks to our source:

Now FBI Wants Apple To Hack a Boston Gang Member’s iPhone

UPDATE 1:00 PM: According to, President Barack Obama expanded on the breaking the iPhone backdoor chastity belt while doing some national leadership at the hipster music and technology conference, “South by Southwest” last week in Austin, TX:

“What mechanisms do we have available to even do simple things like tax enforcement? [All of us at agree the 73,000+ pages of US tax code are simple for both government overlords and struggling little people.] Because if, in fact, you can’t crack that at all, government can’t get in, then everybody’s walking around with a Swiss bank account in their pocket. So there has to be some concession to the need to be able get into that information somehow.”

Government wants their money. Hey we need to rape your iPhone right quick because you might have some offshore funds we need to know about. Who else will build the roads??